Dear Penny: Can we dance?

Dear Penny,

Quite a few years ago I seriously worked on boundary setting for myself. I was pretty terrible at it and as you can imagine, it started to take its toll. So I read books, listened to podcasts, scrolled motivational memes and nervously started to build these boundaries. It was weird. Firstly, it was new territory for me which meant I was establishing new comfort zones and venturing into the unknown. Secondly, it was new territory for those around me which meant they were also rearranging their comfort zones and venturing into the unknown. There was a lot of trial and error. At times I pushed too far, other times they did. Sometimes I pulled back too much, sometimes they did. It became a kind of dance, a back-and-forth as we tried to find a rhythm that worked for us both.

What I learned is that this rhythm looked different with each person. With some it was steady and predictable, with others it had a few extra steps, pauses, or sidesteps. At first it felt clumsy, but in hindsight it makes perfect sense. Every person is different and every relationship is unique. When we interact, we’re not only navigating our own complexity, we’re learning to move with someone else’s as well.

The life I’ve lived and experiences I’ve had will be wildly different to yours. And how I feel today will be different to how you feel today.  Some days I might tread on your toes. Other days you might scuff my shoes. That’s part of figuring it out. The more we practiced, the smoother it became. Boundaries stopped feeling forced and simply became part of the space between us. The dancing worked, we’d found our natural groove.

Over the past few years I’ve noticed the same back-and-forth dance show up in workplaces, not with boundaries, but with psychological safety. And I find this fascinating. When I hear businesses and professionals discussing psychological safety, it’s described in black and white terms: either it exists or it doesn’t. Leaders either create psychologically safe spaces or they don’t. Employees either feel safe speaking up and being themselves, or they don’t. In my experience, it’s never that absolute. Psychological safety is far more fluid, particularly at the beginning. Let me unpack this.

When a leader begins to open space for someone to share, the employee edges forward. As that space continues, trust builds and they share more. But because it’s new ground for both, the edges aren’t always clear. What’s acceptable? What’s not acceptable? And what does the new ‘normal’ look like? This is the fluid area, the grey area in between black and white. And this is where the back and forth dance takes place. The employee might challenge too strongly and the leader feels unsettled. Or the leader might press for more than the employee is ready to give, and they pull back. Have you experienced this? The awkward in-between zone when psychological safety doesn’t quite fully exist but it’s on the way? 

It’s worth noting that whilst the initial relationship change might occur within a 1:1 interaction, the relationship dynamic as a whole is changing. This means any leader-employee interaction outside of the 1:1 space is likely to change too. I’ve personally experienced this one first-hand. When I first worked within a psychologically safe environment, I sometimes challenged my leader too forcefully. It wasn’t intentional, just me testing what was okay. It started in our 1:1s, then showed up in team meetings. It was uncomfortable for me and probably frustrating for them. But over time, we found our balance and grew into a strong, high-functioning partnership. Has this been you before? Have you ever challenged someone too strongly in a meeting? Or perhaps you’ve been the leader who’s been challenged too strongly?

Like any dance, psychological safety takes practice. It won’t appear overnight, and it won’t always look graceful. There will be missteps. You’ll overstep. Your people will too. That’s not failure, it’s progress. It means relationships are shifting, stretching, and finding new ground.

For leaders and businesses, the key is patience. Psychological safety isn’t a switch you flip or a box you tick. It’s built step by step, conversation by conversation. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your people. Each time you show up and keep moving together, you’re creating a stronger, safer space. Eventually, what once felt awkward becomes the new normal, a workplace where trust deepens, voices are heard, and performance thrives.