Dear Penny: Ways to Praise

Dear Penny,

I think regardless of where you sit within an organisation, it’s rewarding to be able to look out for, support and celebrate your team. Whilst I think the clear line between work life and personal life has softened over the past few years and people are bringing more of their true selves to work, we never really know what someone may be battling behind the scenes. Being able to show up in supportive conversations or celebrate successes with someone is a small but impactful way to connect and support.

It’s a pretty nice feeling when someone acknowledges and praises you for how hard you’ve worked or how good of a job you’ve done. It’s also quite a nice feeling giving someone that praise after watching them work hard to achieve their goal and outcome. What I never expected in situations like this though, is how disappointed I feel when I compliment someone but for some reason or another, it doesn't land.

It's a bit of an odd thing that I never really thought about or expected to happen until I was in the middle of it. So when it happened for the first time I became quite curious. Was I miss-communicating? Were they just not good at receiving compliments or praise? Did they truly believe they hadn't done a good enough job? Did they not believe me when I shared my positive feedback?

What I came to realise and understand over time is that, like how people give and receive love in different ways (the 5 love languages), people receive praise and recognition in different ways. Once I clicked onto this, I took my time getting to know those around me and testing how they best received positive feedback. Here's what I learnt: 

Do you like public or private praise?

Some people hate the limelight and others love it. I found that certain people received praise exponentially when it was given in front of the team or a group of people, while others received it better in a 1:1 conversation. The two situations seemed to trigger different responses and emotions in different people. When praise was given publicly, some people lit up and carried this ‘light’ for a few days. While others tended to respond by challenging the praise and exhibiting uncomfortable behaviour such as downward glances, turning away or removing themselves from the situation as soon as possible. As a humble kiwi, I fall into this second category and prefer 1:1 conversations with as few people around as possible. Where do you stand on the public vs private feedback, scream it from the rooftops or whisper it in the shadows?

How much detail do you like?

For some people, I found the devil was in the details. The more detailed I was in the praise I gave, the better it was received. Comments such as “Well done”, “Good work on this”, “Excellent job, thank you” seemed to slide in one ear and out the other without touching the sides. Detailed feedback however, seemed to land and stick. Why was this? I believe for some people, detail reflects understanding, making them feel seen and heard. I also believe it sounds more genuine as your response requires more thought and clearly isn't a passing comment that anyone could make. An example of some detailed praise I gave that landed well was; “Well done for sticking this out and establishing a strong relationship with them. I know we didn’t receive the exact results we were after, but a primary reason for doing this work was to create a relationship and you’ve definitely achieved this”. The person thanked me after and thanked me for continuing to try and land praise with them in a way that resonated - it was a rewarding feeling and experience. 

Are you a gift person?

You can verbally praise till your blue in the face and some people will just absolutely not hear it. For these people, perhaps try a gift? A takeout coffee, a home baked cake, a voucher, anything. Why does this work? My hypothesis is that it shows effort and thought and is a tangible item that reminds them of their achievements. If you’re a gift person, please share your secrets on why physical items land so well for you. As a self-professed details person I struggle to entirely understand this one!

Celebrating others' successes is such an important part of work life. When I learnt how to give praise in different ways so that it actually landed with people, I felt my relationships and connections grow. It was rewarding to watch people feel proud of their accomplishments and I believe it helped motivate them to continue working towards their workplace goals. The better my team does, the better I will do, regardless of what my position is in the team. 

There's no set rules on how to give praise or who will receive certain types of praise. Take your time in getting to know those around you. Understand what their drivers are, their personality types and what lights them on fire. From there, test and trial and don’t give up. Happier people equals happier workplaces. And happier workplaces equal productive businesses.