Dear Penny: Can we chat?
Dear Penny,
I’ve been reading a few posts on LinkedIn lately about coaching and holding space and it got me thinking about communication. I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with it and it’s almost ironic that I’ve ended up working as a communications manager. I think over time, my struggles with communication ended up forming an undying determination to ‘figure it out’ and communicate better. You see, communication isn't just what we say or what we write, it’s also how we behave, what we wear and how we present ourselves. We’re constantly communicating to the world whether we realise it or not - or whether we want to or not.
It’s interesting to see behavioural science on the rise at the moment. It feels as though people are becoming more aware of the power of communication along with a growing understanding of its diversity. My ‘I wonder’ on this is, why? Why is communication suddenly having a glow up? Is it because the rise in technology has reduced social interaction and negatively impacted our ability to communicate comfortably and effectively? Is it because communication plays such a significant role in how successful individuals are at work (See Mel Robbins interview with Alison Wood Brooks)? What are your thoughts?
I think for today’s discussion, I’d like to focus on how to have good conversations with people. It sounds a little silly I know but the amount of people I’ve come across that struggle with this is a bit too high. At HeyPenny, we’ve also heard from numerous organisations that they’re concerned about their leaders' abilities to simply show up and hold conversations. Truth be told, I used to be one of these people and it took me a really long time to teach myself how to have good conversations and hold emotional space for myself and others. Here’s a few of the things I learnt on my journey to becoming a good communicator.
Ever had a meeting with your boss in the park?
Where you have a conversation can make a difference. Growing up I used to reserve all my difficult conversations with Mum for the car. Resonate at all? It was as if the car was a safe space and somehow deescalated any bad news I was about to share. Whilst I’m still figuring this one out, I have a few hunches on why having conversations in environments that are different to where you usually interact with someone helps. Primarily, I think different environments alter our perception and corresponding behaviour, therefore making them more neutral. You see, our brains don’t react, they predict. Constantly. They work ahead to create a picture of what’s about to happen based on prior experiences - this is called perception. By changing the environment, we (I believe) alter what our brain thinks is going to happen. For example, say you usually chat with your boss in their office. It’s likely there's conscious and subconscious rules: hierarchies, communication styles, acceptable behaviour, etc, so we would have some preconceived idea of what's going to happen and how to behave. However, if we went for a walk with our boss in the park instead, the whole thing would change because it's new territory. New environments = neutralised environments. In addition to this, I think environments where we are side-by-side instead of front on are far less intimidating and confrontational. I also believe different environments often provide mental distractions which can mitigate emotional responses. For example in the car with my Mum, she had to focus on driving whilst talking to me so her mental load was split. This likely altered her reactions which made the conversations less intimidating for me. And lets be honest, having the conversation in the car meant I had an escape plan if things went south. Once she parked I could run away!
Maybe we’re both right?
Remove yourself from right and wrong and focus on understanding. I learnt this one from a previous employer and it’s been exceptionally helpful. I’d almost consider it a bit of an attitude hack. When having conversations it's really important to focus on understanding as opposed to trying to be right. Everyone experiences life and situations differently. There's nothing we can do about that, it’s fact and it is what it is. Just because someone experiences something differently to us doesn't mean that they’re wrong or that we are right. Their experience is valid and so is ours. What is important is trying to understand what someone experienced and why that was their experience. For example, in a prior job I was often frustrated because it felt like my leader was absent and not supportive. From my side, this was because we had very little interaction and any interaction was directive and task related. When we sat down and spoke about this, I found they were also feeling frustrated because I appeared absent and non-collaborative. When we unpacked this further we were able to establish that the cause of our frustrations boiled down to poor communication from management about who I reported to - I thought I reported into them and they didn't think I did. By focusing on understanding each other's experiences as opposed to being right about where I should be reporting, we were able to unpack what was happening, fix it and move forward.
Tell me more…
I think the most important thing I’ve learnt so far is how to navigate conversations (like the example above) by asking questions. Asking the right questions helps me uncover more information, develop a better understanding and also check my understanding. The questions I fall back on time and time again can be memorised via the acronym TED.
T = tell (tell me more)
E = explain (explain that for me)
D = describe (describe the situation for me)
I think the key with these questions is knowing that it's actually ok to ask for more information or encourage someone to tell you more. When we do this, we show that we’re interested and value what they’re saying. At the end of the day, everyone wants to feel heard and valued so the more we prioritise doing this in conversations the better. It encourages people to share more and helps develop trust. Another question I like to use, and one I actually hear being used most prominently, is “help me understand that”. Again it's an open ended question that encourages the person to share more. Once I believe I’ve developed an understanding I often like to check this with the person to see if I’m connecting all the dots correctly (and ensure they know I’m listening), to do this I usually ask something like “what I’m hearing is XYZ, does this sound correct to you?”. If the answer is yes, amazing, you know you’re on the right track and can continue with the conversation. If the answer is no, the person usually comes back and corrects the part that is wrong (there's a psychology theory for this, people love correcting incorrect information) which enables you to ask further questions about it before carrying on into the conversation. Try using one of these questions in your next conversation and see how you go.
What are you like with holding space?
Something that goes hand-in-hand with navigating conversations is being able to hold space. I know this term is thrown around a lot and it feels a bit ambiguous, so I’ll give you my take on what it means and what it looks like in practice. For me, holding space is allowing yourself or someone else to feel and show emotion safely without judgement, backlash, deep diving, toxic positivity or solution giving. Just room for emotions to be shared and heard and felt. I personally find it easier to hold space for other people, I think, because I’m a step removed from the emotion and can be more objective and logical. What this looks like in conversation is simply allowing and encouraging someone to share how they’re feeling and show their emotion. That's it. You don’t need to try and solve their problems or offer solutions, you don’t need to counter with how you’re feeling, you don’t need to share similar experiences, you just need to hold the space. When we do this we teach people we’re a safe place, that we can be trusted and that it's ok to feel and show emotion. It feels really uncomfortable at the start but through practice it becomes easier and easier. In my experience being able to hold space is a game changer. It enabled me to have some seriously uncomfortable conversations that have led to some of the biggest breakthroughs in my interpersonal relationships. If you’re a solutions focused person like me, a good first step in holding space is focusing on not offering solutions. Try it and see how you go.
Start by starting
The impact of being able to have good conversations has been really significant. I found my friendships and relationships became stronger and deeper. I was able to understand and empathise with people much better. I became more confident and less anxious. I could better support and care for those around me. And most interestingly, through my actions and behaviours, I was able to help other people grow and become better communicators too.
The key to it all is practice. They say it takes 10,000 hours to master something and communication is no exception to this rule. If holding good conversations is difficult for you, start by focusing on one or two skills. Once you’re comfortable using these in conversation, level up and work on another one or two skills. Be patient with yourself and be patient with those you’re chatting to. At the end of the day we’re all human and are going to say the wrong thing from time to time.
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On a side note, a great place to start with behavioural science and communication is the Diary of a CEO podcast, in particular the episodes featuring body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards, lawyer Jefferson Fisher and former secret service agent Evy Poumpouras.