Dear Penny: Stop Waiting

Dear Penny,

Every now and then I catch myself being disgustingly judgemental. It’s not something I’m proud of and definitely something I keep tucked away in my little black book of shame. What usually follows these moments is a sense of naivety though. I don’t believe myself to be better than anybody or above anyone else, so when I do judge harshly I also get curious. What am I not seeing? What am I not understanding? What am I missing?

Sitting in an organisational psychology conference a while back I had one of these experiences. It was a Thursday morning, I’d had my coffee and chosen the presentation I wished to attend. Whilst I can’t remember the overarching topic of it, I do recall one specific point the speaker touched on. What energy we put out, comes back to us. If we want people to be friendlier at work or say hi to us more, we should do that ourselves. We should initiate and be the thing we want in return. It was in this moment that I thought to myself, well no sh*t sherlock. Everyone knows that. You don’t say hi to the person who never says hi to you. Nor are you friendly to the person who's never friendly to you. If you want those things, yes you need to do them. As I said, disgustingly judgmental. 

Following this moment of internal shame I got the usual subsequent sense of naivety and started to wonder what I was missing. The presenter was international, works across the world and was touring Australia and New Zealand presenting on their work. They were also specifically invited to speak at the conference. Based on that alone, it seemed likely the presenter knew what they were talking about… So what was I missing? Why was this seemingly obvious point so important?

Like any true event that causes cognitive dissonance. I thought about this moment over and over again and over again. I questioned myself. I questioned the presenter. I questioned the conference organisers. I questioned the research. I questioned everything. 

1.5 years later as I’m trying to write a blog on leadership the penny finally dropped. I had been too literal in my understanding. It was less about literally saying hi to people and being friendly, and more about doing the thing you want to receive. I also think there was an underlying theme that a leader can be anyone, regardless of their work title or seniority, but that's for another day.

Let me give you an example. I once worked with a leader who never gave any praise. Ever. Well, maybe once or twice but it was a passing ‘Good work today’ which in my opinion barely scrapes the barrel. The irony? They often vented about not being recognised by those they worked with. At the time, I noticed this pattern emerging and did some social testing. I started giving them praise and recognising their efforts. And you know what? They started to do the same in return. What I was putting out there, was coming back to me. 

In another job I had, I really wanted more responsibility. I wanted to lead and do things without always seeking permission first. Whilst I wasn’t consciously aware of it at the time, I took the same approach as mentioned above and started to do and be the change I wanted to see. In order to gain the responsibility I wanted I simply stopped asking permission. It started off with small things to begin with, like ordering the office groceries without seeking permission, before moving to larger things like scheduling flights without asking approval. Again, what I was putting out there, was coming back to me. As I stopped asking permission, people stopped checking in to see if I was completing things and started giving me more ownership and responsibility. The irony in this one? When I left this role, I was praised for my level of initiative.

Now imagine if that leader who wanted praise started giving it out first, or if my previous employer gave me the responsibility before I started taking it. Imagine what could happen if we all stopped waiting for other people to go first. This is the point the international speaker was trying to make while I was sitting there mentally rolling my eyes. It wasn't about the literal "hello" in the corridor. It was about human nature. We are all standing around waiting for the other person to go first.

Once you spot this pattern, it changes how you play the game. On a personal level, it’s incredibly empowering. Instead of sitting back and venting about what your workplace is lacking, you realise you have the remote control. If you want more praise, start dishing it out. If you want more autonomy, start taking the reins. By intentionally putting out the exact energy, trust or behaviour you want to receive, you can actively bend your work environment to give you what you need to thrive.

The exact same logic applies when you’re the one in the leadership chair. When you recognise these dynamics in your people, you can really start making a difference. Is a team member underperforming or staying quiet? They might just be waiting for you to make the first move. By tuning into what your team is craving, whether that’s a step back to give them space, or a step forward with some rare praise, you can lean directly into what makes them tick.

So, turns out, the presenter knew what they were talking about after all. 

Until next time, stop waiting.